Category Archives: Colette & Melissa’s posts

An Indescribable Gift

CMA little less than a week ago, on Christmas day, out of all of our gifts we were most thankful for the gift of Jesus. None of us will realize the full impact of this gift until our faith becomes sight. Even so, the impact of Jesus in this present time has changed us now and for eternity. The Bible speaks of several gifts from God. But only one, in 2 Corinthians 9:15, is described as UNSPEAKABLE. Which means, indescribable. There are not enough words to tell of all that He is. There are over 200 names for Jesus: Beloved Son, Almighty, Advocate, Messiah, Alpha, Omega, Bread of Life, Cornerstone, Creator, Dayspring…to name a few. And each of his names give us a portion of understanding about Him. But again, there are not enough words to describe the gift that He is to mankind. The gift that He brings is eternal life, forgiveness of sin, undeserved favor and so much more. An indescribable gift of grace.

As 2015 comes to an end and a new year begins, we can rest in the knowledge that Emmanuel, God with us, IS with us  – not just on Christmas but every day. As the holiday season comes to an end, let’s be reminded of Jesus our Savior and praise Him EVERY day of our new year…He is the greatest, most precious and indescribable gift of all. He is Emmanuel. Every day.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

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is yelling at your kids really that bad? part 2

Colette @ awriteheart.comAs an anger management counselor, I have worked with parents who are different in many ways. But similar in the fact that they all love their children, want what is best for them and want them to succeed in life.  However, they could all say the same words as author Julie Ann Barnhill when she writes,  “In fits of uncontrolled anger I have acted and spoken harshly and irresponsibly toward my children and have thought even worse. In the midst of parental rage I have tried to justify what I called ‘discipline’ when in reality I had crossed a shameful unspoken boundary.

In my experience, parents who yell in anger focus only on fixing their children.   I hear them say things like, ” If my kids would do what they are told and what’s expected, if they would clean their rooms and stop fighting with siblings….then I wouldn’t get angry.”   Dealing appropriately with issues such as obedience IS important,  but I strongly believe that parents must fix themselves and manage their anger before they will succeed in changing their children’s behavior.  (Proverbs 25:28)  It’s interesting to me that most abusive and angry parents blame others for their anger and behavior.  But again, the answer lies in managing themselves first and then successfully correcting the normal or strong willed, disobedient, disorganized and/or challenging child.

Parents who yell in anger at their children identify with one or more of the 10 types of parents below:

The frustrated parent

The frustrated parentFrustration is a result of unresolved issues.  A frustrated parent often has more than one problem that needs solving and dealing with children is only one of them.  I suggest to clients that it’s helpful to list  frustrations and stresses and then work on resolving them one issue at a time. Getting someone to help with solutions may also be beneficial.  Not all problems can be erased, but all can be worked on. Suggested reading: Frustration – From Source to Solution: Beating Emotional Cancer by Adrian Brown.

The militant parent

This parent demands absolute and prompt obedience.  Often what they desire is right but their content gets lost in their delivery.  Many times they are more concerned with  behavior and obedience than with relationship. They tend to see immediate obedience as being separate from relationship.  That may be true in settings such as the military, but unfortunately, it isn’t separate when it comes to the parent-child relationship.  Rules without relationship equal rebellion.  Often militant parents are impatient and approach discipline as “my way or the highway”.  Unfortunately, they fail to see their child as an individual with feelings and emotions, but in relationship these two things matter a great deal.  I encourage a strong understanding of Emotional Intelligence with the militant parent.  Suggested Reading: Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves, Loving Our Kids on Purpose: Making a Heart to Heart Connection by Danny Silk.

The forgetful parent

This parent forgets two things:  they forget that they are dealing with children who are not mature in their thinking, who need help with problem solving, who are usually acting their age, and who need hours of consistent training to become successful, responsible adults. Secondly, they forget to praise the good behavior of their children.  Often, the forgetful parent overreacts to negative behavior and overlooks positive behavior. Suggested reading: Grace-Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel.

The tired parent

The Tired ParentThe tired parent is just too tired to invest in the demands of proper training and discipline of their children. It takes a lot of energy to parent well.  I sit with many parents, problem-solving the underlying issue of being tired.  Sometimes the problem is easily solved…Get more sleep and cut back on nonessential busy-ness. Other times the problem isn’t as easily solved.  Single parents and those who work demanding jobs find it exceptionally hard to find down time.  These parents must find creative ways to rest and get rejuvenated.  Often, it’s a matter of being better organized in order to find the time to rest. Suggested reading: Hope For the Weary Mom by Brooke McGlothin.  Timeout for Tired Moms by Judy Crawford.

The undisciplined parent

This parent finds themselves undisciplined in many areas of their life.  Since they aren’t consistent in self-discipline, they are unable to manage and discipline their children. They resort to yelling in anger because it is the easiest way to react.  The undisciplined parent lacks structure. They may run late for appointments and then demand that everyone else hurry. The solution may be as easy as getting up earlier, making lunches the night before, and planning ahead.  Time management would solve a lot of frustration for the undisciplined parent.  I suggest planning personal schedules with a daytimer. Suggested reading:  Developing Discipline and Self Control by Joyce Meyers.

The powerless parent

This parent may be a passive person who lost control of their children early in childrearing. They give up because they see no way to improve their situation, and they allow the kids to make the rules.  It is important for every parent to lead by example and by consistent training – when children have no one to lead them they make up their own rules based on survival skills. They need parents who are strong in convictions, morals and beliefs.   Suggested reading:  You Can’t Make Me by Cynthia Tobias,  Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp.

The re-creating parent

This parent tends to subconsciously re-create the dysfunctions from their own childhood.  For instance, their parent was a yeller and even though they didn’t like being yelled at, they now yell at their child.  It’s what was instilled in them and then it’s  just easier to do what comes naturally.  I encourage these parents to work hard at breaking the cycle of generational dysfunction – it is possible! Suggested reading: Making Peace With Your Past by Tim sledge,  Healing for Damaged Emotions by David Seamands,  The Sacred Romance by John Eldridge.

The unhealthy parent

The Unhealthy ParentThe unhealthy parent can’t effectively meet the demands of positive and productive child rearing. I suggest that all of my clients get a complete physical to rule out any health reasons that may be contributing to their anger. Many test results have come back with problems of thyroid, hormones, blood sugar or blood pressure.  Once  health problems are corrected, people are then able to properly respond to situations in their demanding lives.  It’s also important to eat right and exercise in order to be a strong and healthy person. There may be other areas in which a parent is unhealthy: addictions, substance abuse, emotional disorders or mental health issues. Whatever it is that is causing a parent to be unhealthy must be dealt with and managed. Suggested reading: What To Do When You Don’t Know What To Do: Bad Habits and Addictions by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend,  TouchPoints for Recovery by Ronald Beers and Amy Mason.

The angry parent

This parent has internal anger that is not being addressed and resolved. Internal anger is due to something from the past or present and has turned into bitternness. Bitterness, the Bible says, defileth a man.  This type of anger can stay dormant for a long time, but it always surfaces. It either turns inward and shows itself as depression…or it turns outward and it shows as explosive, mean and or short-fused reactions towards things, animals or people. Suggested reading: Anger Controlled Parenting by Vivian Lamphear and Sherry Marlar,  When Anger Hurts Your Kids: A Parent’s Guide by Matthew McKay Phd and Kim Paleg, Phd. Suggested action: Find a safe place to talk where anger can be exposed and dealt with, preferably with a Christian counselor or psychologist.

The spiritually weak parent

The spiritually weak parent will struggle in all aspects of life and especially in childrearing.  It’s best to look at the opposite approach in order to understand what a spiritually weak parent is not.  The spiritually strong parent, one who knows Jesus as Savior and continually grows in Christ, makes a happier and more stable parent.  They follow the handbook of life, the Bible, and are given grace to accomplish what they are called to do as leaders.  Their greatest example of parenting is pictured through God the Father. Following His example of unconditional love, patience, and correct discipline is by far the most excellent path to follow. Suggested reading: Done by Cary Schmidt, The Shaping of a Christian Family by Elisabeth Elliot.

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Melissa @ awriteheart.comRight now I have three kids at home, and on any given day I can fit into any one of the categories listed above. Yesterday morning I was militant, today I’m tired, and because of an event later in the week I know I’ll tend to be frustrated and stressed. I used to fit into MORE of these categories MORE of the time, and my kids behaved no better. By seeking God about my relationships with my kids and by truly seeking to act more like Jesus myself, I can see changes in how I behave AND in how my kids behave. YES they need discipline, and a lot of it! But discipline motivated by love for a child and by obedience to the Lord will be more successful than discipline motivated by anger.

Happy Kid!None of us will ever be perfect parents, but be encouraged! Your kids are resilient, your kids LOVE YOU, and they WILL forgive you! Mine forgive me all the time! If you messed up today, repent and ask for forgiveness – from God and from your kids. Ask the Lord for a better tomorrow, and believe that He can do a work in your heart.  The Lord CAN change the relationships you have with your kids!

 

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Yes, yelling at your kids in anger is really that bad.  But it ‘s a new day!  We encourage you to be the best parent you can possibly be.

Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turneth away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger.

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Read Part 1 of “Is Yelling at Your Kids Really That Bad?” HERE

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Subscribe to our email newsletter TODAY, July 1st, and be entered to win a basket full of gifts from Kate Foster! On mobile scroll to the end of any post to subscribe…On a desktop, subscribe on the right sidebar or in the footer below. OR just click HERE and we’ll do the work for you!

If you’ve already subscribed, enter by tagging a friend under any post on our Facebook wall and encourage them to subscribe – the more the merrier!

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how to beat the odds, one win at a time

Colette @ awriteheart.comI wish I knew how long the baby had been crying. I’ve been told that after a day or two the neighbors in the apartment building called the police because of the non-stop crying. When help arrived they found him and eventually put the pieces together:  A ten month old baby boy had been abandoned. After his troubled, teen parents fought, they left each other, left him and separately left the state. After five years the boy was reunited with his mother who had remarried an alcoholic man who was mean and abusive. Screaming, yelling, name calling and fighting became the norm in their home. This boy (my dad) grew up, married, had three children and began the cycle of horrible dysfunction all over again. Until, in his 20’s, he knew he must change. For the sake of everyone that he loved and for himself, he knew that he had no other choice but to change. And that’s exactly what he did.

a secret to successMy dad is now 74 and has lived a successful life in every way. He became a strong marine, a wise leader, a compassionate preacher, a black belt in karate, an amazing long distance runner and a terrific golfer. Most importantly, he became a wonderful husband and the best dad a girl could ask for. How does someone change dysfunctional behavior? How does someone with raging anger and a violent temper stop acting the only way they have ever known? How does someone succeed in life when so many odds are stacked against them?

When I asked my dad how he achieved success in life, this is what he said:

“Success isn’t measured by failures and disappointments.  Success is measured by achievement in spite of, and even because of, failures and disappointments. I never stopped learning from difficulty but instead, used them to motivate me. When I understood that I was made for more and that God had a purpose for my life, it changed everything. I never stopped working to be what God had planned for me to be. Instead of focusing on what I didn’t have and what was unfair, I focused on what I was thankful for and how good God is. I saw the hand and grace of God in every step and through every season of my life. There were many times when I thought about giving up but I didn’t”.

With a twinkle in his eye he continued, “I just never gave up!”

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Melissa @ awriteheart.comSuccess never comes easy. We have reached the 3 month anniversary of awriteheart blog – which happens to be right about when statistics say that we should be signing off for good. 99% of blogs fail in three months, and Colette and I knew the failure rate when we started. When the idea was conceived, we had GREAT plans for this AMAZING blog, and we were SURE it would succeed because we believed that God was in it. What we didn’t know was that lasting 90 days, being committed for even that seemingly short time, would take more perseverance, prayer, encouragement, and positive thinking than we realized.

Our struggles have been different…I struggle with understanding the website and its language, and I struggle a LOT with time management . I struggle with my ego and my competitiveness when I watch the stats. I struggle with writer’s block, and with finding my voice…Wow, have I struggled with that. There was a week or two when I just couldn’t finish a post and Colette had to fill in for me, which was really humbling for me.  Colette talked me through plenty of days when I felt like the fifth wheel. She encouraged me by reminding me of texts and comments we had received from readers, and of personal accounts they had shared. She showed me that there is purpose in what we are doing, and picked me up when I couldn’t see that vision.

Colette struggles to write with excellence – she struggles with expecting perfection in each sentence and each word.  She struggles with feeling let down when she doesn’t see tangible results. She struggles with putting herself out there and making herself vulnerable by sharing personal stories. There were times when I reminded her that this isn’t about perfection and that God uses even the posts that aren’t the most popular. I dug through emails, texts and comments to show her what God had done with things we had written. I encouraged her to share MORE of her personal stories, because they resonate with people.

Along the way we’ve learned to keep going despite the bumps in the road, and to celebrate the wins. We encourage each other to see the good that HAS happened instead of the good that hasn’t. We see progress not in large numbers or great statistics, but in one life story at a time – one right heart at a time.

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20141109-DSC_9603-Edit2In life and in our endeavor of blogging, success never comes easy. In any circumstance, part of success depends on deciding to celebrate the wins instead of focusing on the losses. Any story can seem unsalvageable – but the decision to see purpose in it and the desire to use every part of our lives to glorify our great God makes all the difference. So we are thankful for the difficulties…the crashed computers, the time constraints, the Facebook glitches, the writer’s block, the insecurities, and all of the other struggles that come with writing. Those difficulties have taught us more about ourselves and about the God we serve.

We are so thankful to have reached this three month milestone. We have seen the hand and grace of God in each step of our blogging journey, and because of that we continue with smiles on our faces and joy in our hearts. We are encouraged by YOU – our readers – because of the successes and insights that you’ve shared with us.  It is because of those wins that we are even more determined never to give up.

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Subscribe to our email newsletter during the month of June and be entered to win a basket full of gifts from Kate Foster! On mobile scroll to the end of any post to subscribe…On a desktop, subscribe on the right sidebar or in the footer below. OR just click HERE and we’ll do the work for you!

If you’ve already subscribed, enter by tagging a friend under any post on our Facebook wall and encourage them to subscribe – the more the merrier!

giftbasketkateKate’s gift basket includes a Foster Happiness designed coffee mug, gift tags and a framed Bible verse. There is also 1 set of Jamberry nail wraps, manicure set, a Zambian wall hanging, and coffee and candle donated from Cafe Macchiato in Spencerport, NY!

Sign up today!

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a right heart @ awriteheart.com

a right heart

20141109-DSC_9572-EditThe Creator God so often gives us a physical picture of a spiritual truth. The heart is no exception. Throughout my career as a nurse in a cardiac intensive care unit, I’ve seen my share of failing hearts. One patient in particular was young, in his 30s, and looked perfect on the outside, handsome even. But he was truly dying on the inside. His heart functioned at a fraction of its normal capacity, and he could no longer live his life. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t walk. His sick heart had finally caught up with him.[line]

862MhrKWfJwmlEm3TcpgEQyw2M921D7gfMSR-cVVKMEI knew within few minutes of hearing her speak that she was suffering from a heart that was broken. It doesn’t take long to recognize the symptoms if you know what to look for. As her story unfolded, I learned that this introverted and kind woman had been abandoned at birth and sexually abused as a child. Now, at 27, the results of these wounds were an inability to love and think correctly when it came to relationships and self worth, deep discouragement, a fear of being out of control of situations, and an uncontrollable anger. On the outside, she looked perfectly fine, perfectly beautiful. Yet, on the inside she was very broken. Her sick heart had finally caught up with her. [line]

All of humanity is broken – born broken. The Bible tells us that we are born into sin, genetic and passed along from Adam and Eve all the way to us. Along the road of life, some early and some later, the brokenness of others influences our own, and our brokenness compounds. It keeps us from thinking and thus living whole, and we are imprisoned, held back, made blind by it.

[pullquote type=”right”]We, the patients, take the doctor’s job and try to heal ourselves.[/pullquote]Many of us don’t completely understand this truth. We live as though we’ve got it together, but our God says otherwise. Our hearts are deceptive and sick (Jeremiah 17:9), and out of them comes our sin (Mark 7:20-23). If our desire is a right heart, a right mind, right thinking, and right living then we must stop looking to ourselves for answers, and stop blaming others for what is in us. We so often trust ourselves to “make a change”, when the only One who really sees into our hearts is our Creator. We, the patients, take the doctor’s job and try to heal ourselves.

Christ, our Great Physician, came to heal the wounded in heart (Luke 4:18), which is ALL of mankind. Psalm 147:3 says that He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds! If we can trust Him, and believe that He alone can heal while we cannot, the purging of our brokenness can begin and our sick and wounded hearts can be right with our Lord.

Commit with us to this journey toward a right heart…Commit to honesty, to transparency, to real change. Commit to allowing Christ to reveal and to heal all things. We won’t promise that it’ll be comfortable, but we will promise that it will change you forever. We will also promise that we’re with you for the long haul!

Psalm 51:10 “Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.”

~Because He Lives, Colette & Melissa~