Tag Archives: abuse

So, you want to raise amazing, stable and successful kids?

Colette Fabry, Co-Author of awriteheart.com[blockquote cite=”Lisa Wingate, Author” type=”center”]Your children are the greatest gift God will give you, and their souls the heaviest responsibility He will place in your hands.  Take time with them, teach them to have faith in God.  Be a person in whom they can have faith.  When you are old, nothing else you’ve done will have mattered as much.  [/blockquote]

Over the course of my life, specifically the past 16 years as a counselor, I’ve met some really terrific parents. And, sadly, I’ve worked with parents who shouldn’t be parents. One forced her daughter, as discipline, to eat next to the dog and his bowl on her hands and knees with no utensils. Another thought good training was to lock her child in the cold basement in the dark so she could think about what she had done wrong. The parent was sure to remind the young girl to watch out for spiders. When I asked, no one in the room could remember the offense. No surprise there. And not that it even mattered what the child had done. No child deserves that. Obviously some people don’t understand the privilege and responsibility it is to raise kids. We need a license and training for many things… to drive a jet ski, to cut someones hair or polish toenails professionally. But to raise kids nothing is required. I look at the effort and money that parents put into their children’s sports or dance lessons. Or how much is put into making them dress cute or creating their elaborate birthday celebration. My point being that the real important things are often let go. Many of the things below….things that make up a responsible and stable adult….are often never addressed. It’s disheartening.

[pullquote cite=”Charles Portis, Author” type=”right”]If I had received good instruction as a child I would be with my family today and at peace with my neighbors.  I hope and pray that all you parents in the sound of my voice will train up your child in the way they should go.  [/pullquote]After meeting with a struggling, rebellious teen boy and his parents recently, I compiled the following list. I sat alone and wondered if this teen would have turned out differently had these things been poured into him. I do, however, understand the concept of free will and wrong choices that have nothing or little to do with parents. Teens sometimes just choose to do wrong things even with good parenting. I remind those parents that they did their best and that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. That even God’s children, in the garden of Eden, chose to do wrong. I also remind them to continue to pray for their child because their story isn’t over yet. It is not my intent to cast blame on hurting parents. I would never do that. It is my intent to encourage parents to deliberately and intentionally pour good and excellent training into their children.

It takes an awful lot of intention and dedication to be a great parent.  The following list is for the many parents who desire to do a great job training their kids. I commend and pray for you as you diligently work at such an important task… raising amazing, stable and successful adults.

Teach kids how to problem solve.

Teaching your kids to problem solve starts early. When they don’t know what to do because their toys are being taken or how to get along with their siblings….these are teachable moments to help your kids problem solve. Parents can grow impatient and just say things like “stop fighting” instead of actually helping children to solve problems. Parents may say “go to your room” because they don’t want to be bothered. Kids need help problem solving. They need to learn how to resolve conflict in their life and if they don’t get help they will grow continually frustrated and angry.

Teach kids to manage emotions.

It is proven that people who have high emotional intelligence are the most successful people on the planet. Someone can have an extremely high IQ but not know how to deal appropriately with emotions, the emotions of others or their own.  That person will struggle through life. It is also true that before most sins were committed in the Bible, there was an out of control emotion that preceded the sin. One of the first examples of this is Cain, who was angry and jealous. He then murdered his brother. Teaching your kids to handle emotions is one of the most important things a parent can do. I see many parents who yell and scream out of anger and then are baffled when they see the same behavior in their children.

Teach kids what to do when they are tempted to do wrong.

Many parents want to avoid this one altogether. They think, maybe if their kids are protected from the temptation it won’t be a temptation at all? Or maybe if issues aren’t talked about, then it won’t ever be an issue? Truth is, kids of all ages need to learn what to do when, not if, temptation comes into their lives. A wise parent discusses hard topics. How I wish I could relive this one with my grown sons when they were young. Unintentionally I think I left them on their own to fight some temptation that came their way. Now as a counselor and in hindsight, I see the huge importance of this training.

Teach kids to show respect.

Respect is essential to being a stable, successful and respected adult. The most amazing people I know have respect for God, others, authority, themselves, and life.

Teach kids how to give.

Kids are natural takers. It takes training to show them the blessing of being givers.

Teach kids to love others.

This is one of the greatest commands in the Bible. I believe that too many kids are modeling the behavior of critical parents and listening in on conversations that are unloving to each other and about others. Loving others is key to understanding God the Fathers heart.

Teach kids what being a real Christian is.

A real Christian is one who loves and abides in Jesus and His good news, the gospel. A real christian loves God and loves others in practical ways. Without this training they won’t understand their purpose on this earth. All throughout scripture we are told to “Love the Lord with all of our hearts”.  The truth is that once God has our hearts, their hearts, then all of the other things fall into place.

Teach kids how to manage technology.

Otherwise, just like emotions, technology will manage them.

Teach kids how to communicate effectively.

The skill of communication is so vitally important to having success in relationships and in this life. Much of my counseling with adults is helping them to communicate appropriately. It amazes me when I ask the question “What is negative communication?” and people struggle with the answer. It’s as if they have never been taught what is appropriate to say and what isn’t. Actually, maybe they haven’t? Effective communication is a great gift and teaching your kids to master this art will do them well.

Teach kids to stand up for what is right.

There was an elderly bus monitor being horribly abused on a Greece NY school bus by a group of Junior high boys. Someone video taped the incident, it went viral and then made national news. I spoke with several kids who attended school with those boys. When asked what they would have done if they were on the bus they all answered “nothing”. Digging deeper, I found that they all knew that an elderly person being abused was wrong, but they didn’t know what to do about it. So they decided that they would do nothing had they been in the presence of the abuse. What if one of those kids on the bus had simply texted a parent for help? Kids need to be taught how to stand up for what it right. Or they won’t.

Teach kids how to set goals and how to work hard at reaching them.

Successful people are goal setters and hard workers. It’s not a natural thing for most people to accomplish this important life skill. Ask any hard working person and they will tell you of someone who modeled that for them.

Teach your child what to do when they have messed up.

Teach them how to be restored to others and to God. Many kids that I work with have guilty and shame-based consciences. This always produces anger and acting out. They are relieved when they are given a plan of restoration. Kids have a hard time separating who they are from their wrong doing. I’m so thankful for the gospel of Jesus that separates me, and who I am in Christ, from my sin.

There is more that could be added to the list above….how to handle money, to be disciplined, to eat healthy. But I encourage parents to at least think on this list and ask for Gods wisdom as you intentionally train your kids. You will never regret that you taught these things.

God the Father, as always, is our greatest example of a good and loving parent. He came to the earth incarnate to walk out a living example for us to follow. He doesn’t over correct, over control, or over discipline his children. Nor is He slack in His instruction. He is a balanced and good father who trains us continually.

The Bible says in Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.”

[blockquote cite=”Colette Fabry” type=”center”]The goal in parenting is not to create perfect kids or to be perfect parents. There is no such thing. The goal is for flawed parents to consistently model the beautiful message of the gospel. In real life.  In real time. Every moment of every day. And thats only possible through abiding in Christ and He in us.  [/blockquote]

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is yelling at your kids really that bad? part 2

Colette @ awriteheart.comAs an anger management counselor, I have worked with parents who are different in many ways. But similar in the fact that they all love their children, want what is best for them and want them to succeed in life.  However, they could all say the same words as author Julie Ann Barnhill when she writes,  “In fits of uncontrolled anger I have acted and spoken harshly and irresponsibly toward my children and have thought even worse. In the midst of parental rage I have tried to justify what I called ‘discipline’ when in reality I had crossed a shameful unspoken boundary.

In my experience, parents who yell in anger focus only on fixing their children.   I hear them say things like, ” If my kids would do what they are told and what’s expected, if they would clean their rooms and stop fighting with siblings….then I wouldn’t get angry.”   Dealing appropriately with issues such as obedience IS important,  but I strongly believe that parents must fix themselves and manage their anger before they will succeed in changing their children’s behavior.  (Proverbs 25:28)  It’s interesting to me that most abusive and angry parents blame others for their anger and behavior.  But again, the answer lies in managing themselves first and then successfully correcting the normal or strong willed, disobedient, disorganized and/or challenging child.

Parents who yell in anger at their children identify with one or more of the 10 types of parents below:

The frustrated parent

The frustrated parentFrustration is a result of unresolved issues.  A frustrated parent often has more than one problem that needs solving and dealing with children is only one of them.  I suggest to clients that it’s helpful to list  frustrations and stresses and then work on resolving them one issue at a time. Getting someone to help with solutions may also be beneficial.  Not all problems can be erased, but all can be worked on. Suggested reading: Frustration – From Source to Solution: Beating Emotional Cancer by Adrian Brown.

The militant parent

This parent demands absolute and prompt obedience.  Often what they desire is right but their content gets lost in their delivery.  Many times they are more concerned with  behavior and obedience than with relationship. They tend to see immediate obedience as being separate from relationship.  That may be true in settings such as the military, but unfortunately, it isn’t separate when it comes to the parent-child relationship.  Rules without relationship equal rebellion.  Often militant parents are impatient and approach discipline as “my way or the highway”.  Unfortunately, they fail to see their child as an individual with feelings and emotions, but in relationship these two things matter a great deal.  I encourage a strong understanding of Emotional Intelligence with the militant parent.  Suggested Reading: Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves, Loving Our Kids on Purpose: Making a Heart to Heart Connection by Danny Silk.

The forgetful parent

This parent forgets two things:  they forget that they are dealing with children who are not mature in their thinking, who need help with problem solving, who are usually acting their age, and who need hours of consistent training to become successful, responsible adults. Secondly, they forget to praise the good behavior of their children.  Often, the forgetful parent overreacts to negative behavior and overlooks positive behavior. Suggested reading: Grace-Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel.

The tired parent

The Tired ParentThe tired parent is just too tired to invest in the demands of proper training and discipline of their children. It takes a lot of energy to parent well.  I sit with many parents, problem-solving the underlying issue of being tired.  Sometimes the problem is easily solved…Get more sleep and cut back on nonessential busy-ness. Other times the problem isn’t as easily solved.  Single parents and those who work demanding jobs find it exceptionally hard to find down time.  These parents must find creative ways to rest and get rejuvenated.  Often, it’s a matter of being better organized in order to find the time to rest. Suggested reading: Hope For the Weary Mom by Brooke McGlothin.  Timeout for Tired Moms by Judy Crawford.

The undisciplined parent

This parent finds themselves undisciplined in many areas of their life.  Since they aren’t consistent in self-discipline, they are unable to manage and discipline their children. They resort to yelling in anger because it is the easiest way to react.  The undisciplined parent lacks structure. They may run late for appointments and then demand that everyone else hurry. The solution may be as easy as getting up earlier, making lunches the night before, and planning ahead.  Time management would solve a lot of frustration for the undisciplined parent.  I suggest planning personal schedules with a daytimer. Suggested reading:  Developing Discipline and Self Control by Joyce Meyers.

The powerless parent

This parent may be a passive person who lost control of their children early in childrearing. They give up because they see no way to improve their situation, and they allow the kids to make the rules.  It is important for every parent to lead by example and by consistent training – when children have no one to lead them they make up their own rules based on survival skills. They need parents who are strong in convictions, morals and beliefs.   Suggested reading:  You Can’t Make Me by Cynthia Tobias,  Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp.

The re-creating parent

This parent tends to subconsciously re-create the dysfunctions from their own childhood.  For instance, their parent was a yeller and even though they didn’t like being yelled at, they now yell at their child.  It’s what was instilled in them and then it’s  just easier to do what comes naturally.  I encourage these parents to work hard at breaking the cycle of generational dysfunction – it is possible! Suggested reading: Making Peace With Your Past by Tim sledge,  Healing for Damaged Emotions by David Seamands,  The Sacred Romance by John Eldridge.

The unhealthy parent

The Unhealthy ParentThe unhealthy parent can’t effectively meet the demands of positive and productive child rearing. I suggest that all of my clients get a complete physical to rule out any health reasons that may be contributing to their anger. Many test results have come back with problems of thyroid, hormones, blood sugar or blood pressure.  Once  health problems are corrected, people are then able to properly respond to situations in their demanding lives.  It’s also important to eat right and exercise in order to be a strong and healthy person. There may be other areas in which a parent is unhealthy: addictions, substance abuse, emotional disorders or mental health issues. Whatever it is that is causing a parent to be unhealthy must be dealt with and managed. Suggested reading: What To Do When You Don’t Know What To Do: Bad Habits and Addictions by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend,  TouchPoints for Recovery by Ronald Beers and Amy Mason.

The angry parent

This parent has internal anger that is not being addressed and resolved. Internal anger is due to something from the past or present and has turned into bitternness. Bitterness, the Bible says, defileth a man.  This type of anger can stay dormant for a long time, but it always surfaces. It either turns inward and shows itself as depression…or it turns outward and it shows as explosive, mean and or short-fused reactions towards things, animals or people. Suggested reading: Anger Controlled Parenting by Vivian Lamphear and Sherry Marlar,  When Anger Hurts Your Kids: A Parent’s Guide by Matthew McKay Phd and Kim Paleg, Phd. Suggested action: Find a safe place to talk where anger can be exposed and dealt with, preferably with a Christian counselor or psychologist.

The spiritually weak parent

The spiritually weak parent will struggle in all aspects of life and especially in childrearing.  It’s best to look at the opposite approach in order to understand what a spiritually weak parent is not.  The spiritually strong parent, one who knows Jesus as Savior and continually grows in Christ, makes a happier and more stable parent.  They follow the handbook of life, the Bible, and are given grace to accomplish what they are called to do as leaders.  Their greatest example of parenting is pictured through God the Father. Following His example of unconditional love, patience, and correct discipline is by far the most excellent path to follow. Suggested reading: Done by Cary Schmidt, The Shaping of a Christian Family by Elisabeth Elliot.

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Melissa @ awriteheart.comRight now I have three kids at home, and on any given day I can fit into any one of the categories listed above. Yesterday morning I was militant, today I’m tired, and because of an event later in the week I know I’ll tend to be frustrated and stressed. I used to fit into MORE of these categories MORE of the time, and my kids behaved no better. By seeking God about my relationships with my kids and by truly seeking to act more like Jesus myself, I can see changes in how I behave AND in how my kids behave. YES they need discipline, and a lot of it! But discipline motivated by love for a child and by obedience to the Lord will be more successful than discipline motivated by anger.

Happy Kid!None of us will ever be perfect parents, but be encouraged! Your kids are resilient, your kids LOVE YOU, and they WILL forgive you! Mine forgive me all the time! If you messed up today, repent and ask for forgiveness – from God and from your kids. Ask the Lord for a better tomorrow, and believe that He can do a work in your heart.  The Lord CAN change the relationships you have with your kids!

 

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Yes, yelling at your kids in anger is really that bad.  But it ‘s a new day!  We encourage you to be the best parent you can possibly be.

Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turneth away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger.

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Read Part 1 of “Is Yelling at Your Kids Really That Bad?” HERE

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how could anyone do this?

How could anyone do this, especially a parent?  My brain tried to wrap around the facts:  An adorable, 4 week old baby boy with creamy, ivory,  bruised skin….and a broken arm.  I instantly felt angry seeing the damage to his body and I cringed thinking about the invisible wounds to his soul. What kind of person intentionally breaks the arm of a newborn? With a heavy heart I looked at this child and wondered why God allows awful things to happen?  Pain, abuse, sorrow, death.  And baby boys with broken bodies and souls.[blockquote type=”left”]My mind silently screamed, “It was never supposed to be this way”.[/blockquote]Infants are meant to be cuddled and cared for and protected by parents who love them.  Tears were created to express happiness and hearts were meant to only feel joy.   Then in the Garden of Eden so much changed.  It was laid out clearly: choose God and life or choose sin and death.   There had to be a choice because true love doesn’t deny choice.   The people before us chose sin.  The people at present choose sin.  And the people in the future will choose sin. Because of those choices, awful things happened, and are happening, and will happen.  There are consequences.  Temporary and eternal consequenses; the death of so many things. I saw the consequences that day.  An infant boy with a broken arm.

But wait…. I also saw something absolutely beautiful.  I saw living grace: I watched a young foster mom as she tenderly and protectively cradled that tiny baby boy close to her heart.  No one would ever have guessed that this child wasn’t her own.   It brought tears to my eyes as I observed genuine love being poured onto such a precious child.  He was swaddled tightly, his belly was filled with warm milk, and finally  after 4 weeks of torture and insecurity, he was sleeping safe and sound.  I watched ashes turn beautiful; Psalm 61 being played out before my eyes.   I saw a living, breathing picture of salvation.  Of Jesus.  Of Gods promise in Psalms “When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up”.

[pullquote type=”right”]The Promise-keeper always keeps his promises. He promises that there will be a day when all wrong will be made right. [/pullquote]The Promise-keeper always keeps his promises. He promises that there will be a day when all wrong will be made right.  Until then we get the unbelievable privilege of imaging our Savior and living out the Gospel.  Yes, we may be immersed in a world of sin.  But we are also immersed in grace.   We would never be able to understand sin or grace fully without being directly in the midst of it and really seeing it up close and feeling the effects deeply.

Oh how I thank God for beautiful foster moms who live, breathe and walk such a vibrant and vivid picture of such amazing grace!

Sleep well, baby boy.  Now I can sleep too.

Luke 4:18 “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor, he hath sent me to heal the broken hearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised.

Psalm 147:3 He healeth the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.

Isaiah 61:1-3 The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the broken hearted, tp proclaim liberty to the captives and the opening of the prison  to them that are bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD and the day of vengeance of our God to comfort those that mourn; To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD , that he might be glorified.

[custom_headline type=”right” level=”h4″ looks_like=”h4″ accent=”true”]If we are the body, Colette[/custom_headline]

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